well i havent bloged much lately, mostly because i find myself purposely putting myself in a position where i live my life much busier than it really needs to be so that i dont have to think about the things that are most bothering me.
so one thing im gonna try to do to get this started agian is to do my homework on the net. for one of my classes i am supposed to take a journaly and i promise to do my best to post most of it online and if anybody reads it feel free to interact, kick the can that is my journey.

Goodbyes,

Hmm... quite the concept, though do we ever really mean it. Sometimes i decided there are a few diffrent types of goodbyes in life though most of us will never tell others which one we have picked for them.
1. There is goodbye, as in i will see you tomorrow it should be fun
2. Goodbye i will see you tomorrow but man i wish i didnt have to deal with you anymore.
3. Goodbye as in im moveing to another place and i still want to be your friend but this is going to be hard.
4. Goodbye im moving and im sorta happy about it.
5. Goodbye i want you out of my life, sometimes said preemptivly sometimes not said soon enough.
And i think the next two goodbyes might be the hardest of all becuase im not really sure which is which for me.
6. Goodbye, but really i hope you comeback, i need you in my life.
7. Goodbye, i want you to comback but as much as i need you in my life i dont think i want you in it anymore.

would it really be easier to have never....
or should we just walk away before we ever have to say...

I

I love my Family
I love my friends
For Those I Love I Sacrifice
I believe in Love
I believe in suffering
I believe I have hope
I hope I do
I Believe in brokenness
I pray to be broken
I pray to understand God
I think Following Jesus is amazing.
I think its pretty damn hard.
I take it to be the greatest challenge
I think its the most rewarding.
I believe in strength
and the strength I fail to posses
I believe in the big picture
and the need to belong.
I believe in the Sabbath
but do not keep it.
I believe in dreams
even the ones whose piece is on the floor.
Broken.
I believe in blogging
I Love to love
I love being love.
I should do both more.
I believe in Caffeine
I might hurt you.
I might let you down.
Actually, bet I will do both.
Sorry…
I will try not to, but I will fail.
I love Jesus, I love his Church.
I might not like yours.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss YOU.
I have been betrayed.
I have betrayed.
I love dogs,
I miss mine.
I could do it.
I can’t.
I think shoes are foot oppression.
I think we oppress ourselves.
I think we are better actors than we think.

Love

I have come to a realization lately about love. You can love somebody so much and it doesnt have to be returned. when i was younger and a bit more nieve i used to think that love had to be returned that it was a two part thing. im not so sure anymore. I have a new respect for Gods love for the human race with this new revelation. Not that i am even an inkling near the pedastool for Gods love, but the fact taht so much of his love is unreturned and he still puts up with it. he sits by and wishes that it was returned. He wishes that we would call, that we would be honest, that we would need him, that we would want him. God willingly follows us into the rain and waits with open arms just to watch us push away, or be confused, to go back in forth, one day be in love and the next not be. how is it that we possibly think that we love the Father or even want to follow Jesus. Flip flopers, what the voters hate most. Is that what we have become, is that what i have become, i think i make my self sick, but i will probably flip flop on that two. I say this now as if i know how to fix it... i think i want to fix it. How could we say we love him. How could we say we love anything if we refuse to submit, if we refuse to commit and flip flop day by day. We are the luke warm, i am the water, pointless and still.

questions

I have alot of questions. and i spend most of my day thing about what possible awnsers might be. sometimes i just wish i could turn my head of. I wish it didnt always run. I fell like sometimes i waste my gas, other times I wish it could all disappear. more than anything i just wish all my awnsers would magicaly become clear.

Writers Block

I have this tendency. When I stress out or whenever I just feel down to write it all out. Poetry, my one soul outlet. Tonight creeps in, discussions have aroused and now I sit here with questions, or doubts, misunderstandings and the weight of more than my own problems on my hand. I can’t write. I want nothing more than to write, but this time I can’t. Writers block, in the face of my problems. I can’t write a solution to save my own sanity. I feel like I have something to say and I so want to be herd but the words don’t seem to come out. It’s like screaming with no noise, I hope Jesus can here me still. I’m relying on him, I am glad I am in good hands.

moving

Right now my heart is saying its terrified, mortified and it’s about to jump out of my chest. My emotions are so bipolar and just out of control lately.
I’m moving to Idaho in about 2 weeks now and I don’t think it was supposed to be this hard. In fact when I made the plans it was easy, why how fast things change. Now I’m scared, now I have something I’m scared to leave behind. I don’t want things to grow farther away, I want to be closer, but I know I have to be farther. I know I make no sense, but I just need to write letters to myself to keep my sanity, or at least what I have left. I’m so scared it hurts, my whole body feels it, but I really hope this is right.
Part of me still says it’s wrong, part of me is saying I only did this in the first place to run, even if I was running from my love, now it’s come full circle and I want to run back. Why is this so hard? I keep reminding my self to pray for peace in everything and for us, but I tend to forget. Peace, we brushed shoulders once, where has she gone, peace she was so beautiful, and I.... I was the beast.