moving

Right now my heart is saying its terrified, mortified and it’s about to jump out of my chest. My emotions are so bipolar and just out of control lately.
I’m moving to Idaho in about 2 weeks now and I don’t think it was supposed to be this hard. In fact when I made the plans it was easy, why how fast things change. Now I’m scared, now I have something I’m scared to leave behind. I don’t want things to grow farther away, I want to be closer, but I know I have to be farther. I know I make no sense, but I just need to write letters to myself to keep my sanity, or at least what I have left. I’m so scared it hurts, my whole body feels it, but I really hope this is right.
Part of me still says it’s wrong, part of me is saying I only did this in the first place to run, even if I was running from my love, now it’s come full circle and I want to run back. Why is this so hard? I keep reminding my self to pray for peace in everything and for us, but I tend to forget. Peace, we brushed shoulders once, where has she gone, peace she was so beautiful, and I.... I was the beast.

where is your focus

I remember few occasions in high school where I was ragging angry. It’s funny for most of them I don’t remember why I was mad, I just remember the emotion. I remember my reactions too... this one time after a water polo game I was mad about something... maybe the ref? That would have been normal. But I left the pool deck in a rage went down to the baseball field and fell on the ground... I started hitting the earth just beating it, I don’t know how long I hit it but long enough to the point where my hands lost feelings and my arms and my chest hurt. It calmed the storm of anger inside me for awhile. Now that I look back at it though it was some what a waste, for the time I spent there I focused all my energy on one thing... the only thing in the world for that period of time was the ground which required beating. What did it really get me, how far can I go with that kind of focus. Not far, I can’t spend my whole life beating the ground.I was so good at focusing my energy when I was angry I used to knock heads when I played sports, I was great in water polo because I would go into any game against any player no mater how big they were and play on them like they were 5ft tall and 100lbs. I was so aggressive, don’t get me wrong many a times I got kicked out and on some occasion got the crap kicked out of me. But I could focus all my energy onto playing that game with intensity. Why can’t I do that with my faith all the time? On occasion I think God gets my all. Though a lot of the time I’m pretty sure he doesn’t. I wonder if he looks at me is heartbroken when he sees my energy pouring out into something that gives me nothing. God gives me everything; it must break his heart when he sees us giving our focus to something pointless like beating up the earth. I AM SORRY GOD.